Life As We Now Know It

Yesterday two little neighborhood girls, 8 years old, that I know very very well, as well as their parents, came to my door collecting for the American Heart Association.  Because it's one of my favorite charities (close to my heart as I've lost so many relatives, including my dad, to heart disease), I jumped at the chance to contribute.  I asked them in but they said, "No thanks. We're not allowed to go into houses."  I was so impressed!!!  I didn't question it at all.  I told them I'd be right back and closed the door on them so the dog couldn't escape.  It was cold.  They could have warmed up a bit.  But they didn't.  They stood on the porch chatting with each other and giggling at the dog with his nose pressed up against the door's glass trying to smell them.  When I returned and opened the door, they were smiling at me.  I told them how impressed and proud I was of them for practicing such safety rules.  One is a police officer's daughter and she smiled and nodded and the other, my dear goofy friend's daughter, smiled and said, "my mama didn't raise no fool!"  No. No she didn't!

I remember going door to door with Unicef or Girl Scout Cookies or even Trick-or-Treating all by myself way back when.  I remember not worrying even slightly that I could be in danger...unless it was dark; if it was dark I'd be afraid not of a bad person, but of a werewolf or ghost.  I remember going to the public restrooms alone and never thinking I'd meet someone unsafe who could and wanted to harm me.  Not because my parents never taught me not to talk to strangers; they did.  But didn't they just mean the ones who offered me candy from their car window?  Bad stuff only happened in big cities...like the guy from the Covenant House told us about when I was in 6th grade.

Looking back, that naivete of both parents and children was dangerous and could have and did get children in trouble.  Our parents weren't careless with us, they were just raising us the way they were raised.  Yes, you'd hear of kids having gone missing, see their pictures on milk cartons or bill boards, but it didn't run rampant.  It certainly wasn't commonplace as it seems to be now...at least not by comparison.  

So what do we do?  Do we not let them use a PC unsupervised?  Probably a good idea.  Do we not let them use a public restroom alone until they're a teenager?  Again, probably the way to go.  Do we not let them go door to door without a trusted adult or a buddy system in place?  Definitely.  Even if we know our neighbors, like the two girls who came to my door knew me, these children need to be taught to be wary of everyone unless they are with a parent or trusted adult.  Was I insulted that they didn't come in?  Did I try to convince them that it was safe and they'd be better off coming in out of the cold?  No.  Could and would someone else do this? Yes.  Could it result in horror?  Yes. Case in point, Megan Kanka.  She didn't live in a busy city.  She wasn't lost in a crowded mall or park.  She wasn't approached by a stranger.  She was raped and killed by a man across the street who was, unbeknownst to her family, a known child molester.  At one time, though, before he was caught molesting his first victim, he was an UN-known child molester.

I know this is a bit off my regular genre of writing, but I was so affected by these two neighbor girls I've not been able to stop thinking about them.  Not imagining horrific things happening to them or to my children, but loving the fact that their parents have taught them well.  They've put their own innocent childhood experiences and lack of fear aside and given them the knowledge of how to make sure they don't put themselves in harm's way.  They've done it without instilling so much fear in them that they don't want to collect for charities or sell cookies or trick-or-treat.  They have done their best and so far, so good.  Kudos!!

The older my children get, the harder the teaching gets.  The harder it becomes to choose the right approach and  the right words to get my point across without scaring them.  I know Gene and I will do our best to do this and pray our best will be enough.  I know, too, that we are not alone and that there is a network of parents and people out there just like us to whom we can turn for guidance...thank God!!

As my mom has said, "Sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet the world has changed so much!"  And as I've said in reply, "Then you have to try and change with it."  Now I have to practice what I preach!!

Stay safe all, and keep the kids even safer!!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Ahoy all ye Mateys!! Aaaargh!!

A while back, as some of you know, our relatively new, 9 month-old puppy Buck injured his paw...badly.  Running like a Gray Hound through the yard, we think he swiped his paw across one of those white metal downspouts and gashed, and I mean GASHED the pad of his front paw.  Suffice it to say the porch and deck looked like a mass murder scene.

So at 9am on the first day of the Christmas Break, off I go, with crying kids whining that "Bucky's going to bleed to death!!!", to the emergency vet.  $450 later we're home with a very tired Buck sporting the cutest green wrapping decorated with a candy cane up to his shoulder and wearing the dreaded Cone of Shame around his neck.  He had the full treatment: cleaning, sedation, suturing, "reverse" sedation, adorable wrapping, and of course, lots of TLC from the staff (I'm not sure if that's included in the price but we'll assume it's a throw in).  They were incredibly nice to Buck, to the kids, and to me (again, not sure if I paid for that).

As of yesterday, two and a half weeks later, our convalescent has had 5 bandage changes at $30 a pop.  The act of bandaging is included in the initial $450, but not the actual gauze to wrap it.  You think I'm kidding?!  I'll show you my $150 in receipts.  His first three were routine checks; the fourth was due to Buck deciding to break the gate doing 98 and test the water temperature in the pond out back by dipping not his UNbandaged paw in, but his BANDAGED one!!  Okay, my fault for being stupid enough to think the gate would hold back a puppy jonesing for some backyard play.  After that visit we were sent home another $30 lighter and given strict instructions to keep a watchful eye on the little delinquent and when we can't, alas, the dreaded Cone of Shame!  So short story long, three days later, following our usual Sunday morning routine, we're running around trying to get to church before the priest starts up the aisle.  We get Buck into his crate and off we go (we actually pushed past the priest at the back of the church to make sure we were pewed up before he could start up the aisle before us!)  Sunday obligation behind us, we arrive home much calmer and discussing what to have for lunch when Cat announces while squatting in front of his crate, "Buck took his bandage off!!"  Yep, that's right; WE FORGOT THE DAMN CONE!!!

This is not a battle he will win.  I keep telling him through gritted teeth, "You will not win this one, Buck.  I AM THE ALPHA DOG!!"  I say this as I'm putting him in the car for our sixth visit to Dr. Givemeallyourmoney at 7pm on Sunday.  

They've decided to splint him to a) keep pressure off his almost-healed paw, b) to make it harder for him to lick or bite at the wrapping.  But Buck has a Gene Simmons tongue so we continue with the Cone of Shame.  

Step, step, step, clomp, bang into the wall with cone. Step, step, step, clomp, bang into the wall with cone.  All he needs is an eye-patch and a parrot to complete the Drunken Pirate look!  He's already taken all my gold so he's got the part down!

Oh, and they didn't charge me for the splinting this time...I wonder if it had anything to do with me openly weeping in the office! Hmmm......

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Just SHUT UP!

Sometimes I'm envious of how kids can say pretty much anything they want to say; anything that pops into their developing little brains can come out their mouths with no filter whatsoever and they get away with it, more often that not, completely unscathed!  Or if they don't want to say anything at all or if you're just annoying them with stupid questions, they simply don't acknowledge your presence.  Simple:  POOF! "I can't seeee you!  Can't hear you either!  And if I can't see or hear you, I don't have to answer you and can be as rude as I like and Mom will just apologize for me."  It's just another benefit to being tiny!  My kids never pulled the disappearing act but their lack of filters has often left me wishing they did!  I guess it's the lesser of two evils when you think about it..."I can't say anything nice to this pinhead grown-up so I'll just keep it zipped!"

I wish I could do that sometimes; have no fear of stepping on someone's toes, tarnishing a relationship, or insulting a friend or coworker with angry, hurtful words or offer necessary but unasked for advice and just let them have both barrels.  I could drop a bomb and walk away feeling no remorse, no embarrassment, no fear of outcome; just blurt it out and let someone else clean up the mess.  Or just stare at whoever's annoying me and not say a word until they smile and give up trying to talk to me.

But we shouldn't do that in this civilized society, should we?  Oh sure, people do.  There are people out there who leave a wake of battered or broken relationships and hurt, angry feelings.  They are the people who secretly or not-so secretly live empty lives and come home to an empty and cold house because they've no one, no parent-like person willing to clean up their messes like they had when they were small children.  All they have to do to avoid this is to just SHUT UP!  If you can't say something nice....then just SHUT UP!  Isn't a life filled with stifling your discontent toward a few annoying or clueless people to whom you pretend to tolerate, if not like, better than a life empty of anyone of significance?

I really think it is that cut and dry...say or do something hurtful and you'll be alone...eventually.  I often tell my kids that their words canNOT be taken back.  That words CAN hurt like sticks and stones, if not worse.  Yes, it's frustrating not to let someone know something you think imperative to the world functioning correctly and that you want to scream and tell it like it is, but I tell them that that's what a pillow is for, or the bathroom mirror.  I can't count how many times I've berated a mirror!  Looked the reflection straight in the eye, saw the person who needed thrashing or unbeknownst to them needed my sage advice, and let it rip!  Not yelling and screaming or crying; I'm a grown-up.  I'm civilized.  No, I just calmly rip them a new one in either one of those mean whisper-y voices or maybe slightly above normal speaking level, depending on the situation, drop a couple of verbal bombs here and there for emphasis, take a couple of deep breaths, maybe even flip the bird to the chump, and go back to life almost satisfied and much calmer.

Fortunately in my current life and relationships, I don't have many, or any, filter-less, insensitive people around me; at least not that I'm aware.  I know simply by knowing  me, someone could easily cut me, anger me, or embarrass me somehow.  But they don't.  At least not knowingly or for self-satisfaction.  They, like I, have listened to and try to take their mothers' advice to JUST SHUT UP if you can't say something nice, and have seen their own mistakes or the mistake of others and learned from them.

Look, we all want to be that uncivilized Neanderthal at times.  I know I can come close when I unleash my sarcasm or make a "subtle" insinuation.  So keep your pillows and mirrors handy for just such emergencies.  If you don't have either, sit in your car with the doors and windows closed and let it go!  Try not to lash out angrily to another (either to their face or to their email) or on Facebook or Twitter (I don't think media should EVER be used for bashing not even in politics...really), and remember that in most cases, no one will be cleaning up for you.  You're a grown-up, now act like one.  Do your best to use your inside voice and follow the Golden Rule...even when you're dealing with someone who has no idea what the Golden Rule is!

And if that doesn't work, stare 'em down 'til they walk away.  POOF!  It works for four-year-olds, right?!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop