A Good Friend is a Good Friend Until the Bitter End; Like It Or Not!

I had to bid farewell (not good-bye) to a very dear friend this afternoon.  Not only to her, but to her beautiful children as well.  My kids' first and still friends.  We spent so much time together when our kids were young we'd joke that we were each other's "daytime husbands"!  Yet life got busier and the kids' needs grew as they grew, so we hadn't seen much of each other in the past year or so.  But each time we did, after the quick catch-up of current events, it was like picking up where we left off. Cliche I know, but true just the same.

But we can't blame busy lives for the upcoming separation.  She's moving halfway across the country to start a new adventure and leaving many friends and a lot of family behind to miss them terribly.  I'm sad yet happy for her.  I'm hopeful she'll build a great new life with new friends yet worried that it won't happen soon enough and she'll be lonely.  I want her to miss us all but hope she's too busy living to do just that.  I guess the bottom line is, I hope for her happiness...and for a place in her heart that's only for me.

I've discovered it's harder to make friends when you're a grown-up than when you're young and less self-conscious.  I remember my freshman year of high school and walking up to absolutely everyone I saw saying, "Hi! I'm Eileen Cassidy.  I'm a freshman; are you?" Seriously. Every single person.  By the end of the week, I could remember only a handful of names yet most remembered the dolt walking around with a goofy smile introducing herself to anyone who'd listen.  It actually worked out quite well for me in the shorter long run; because I met everyone, I didn't fall into a click with the grammar school friends I had but hovered around everyone like a bee around flowers, enjoying it all and missing little.  And it was easy.

It always seemed to be easy.  I didn't have a best friend to speak of but many close friends, some  whom I remain close to to this day.  I didn't have the "graduate from high school in June and start full-time college in the Fall" experience of dorm-mates or sorority sisters but I already had friends and made new friends with coworkers and night-schoolmates.  There was always something business or social going on to keep me well-stocked in friends.   It was brainless; no work required. 

Then I became a stay-at-home mom.  Actually I became a housewife and then a stay-at-home mom.  Because of the economy, I was laid off and was home (alone) for almost a year and a half before my son was born.  I had full intentions of returning to work after a six month hiatus but then I got pregnant and well...At any rate, my deep well of new relationship opportunities was drying up and because I no longer went into an office or spoke to 40 clients a day, I was getting lonely.  But I had the baby and then 15 months later had another baby, so socializing was pretty far down the list.  I was lucky enough to have some great neighbors who checked in on me when they could but the majority of the time it was just the three of us; not a whole lot of conversational interaction going on there! (Yes, of course my husband was around but he was working a LOT...nuff said!)

But when I finally had had enough of my own company, I went out to parks to meet other moms swinging toddlers on baby swings or pushing strollers along the path.  The problem was, these moms were perfectly happy with the status quo, or so it seemed, that I was pretty much ignored or worse yet, I received curt replies to my questions or comments.  Major blow.  Major!  I realized my problem was, though, that I came to the party not only late in life, but late in the life-style too!  While I was a DINK* working well into my 30's....like well into them, these women were younger than I and had already been doing this mothering thing and therefore were pros!  I mean, it has to be that, right?  My shtick worked my freshman year so, like, what?!

Not until I moved to a new house in a new town with my new babies meeting new neighbors and getting involved in a MOMS group, did I finally FINALLY realize that it's not hard to make friends...especially when you have kids and even when you're old...ahem.  But it's not as easy as it was when we were five or 10 or even 20.  And friendships mean more when you're older.  It means sharing serious conversation about serious, private issues that you know will not be shared with another human (well, maybe a spouse but you can kill them if they blab).  

I think that's why losing this particular friend is hitting me so hard.  She's the one who taught me to trust in another woman my deepest darkest fears and secrets.  The one who knew me best and who I leaned on when I desperately needed someone to lean on when no one else on the planet, including my husband, knew I needed to lean.  To rest easy knowing that she will take my confidences to her grave without even thinking about it.  The one who will, even miles and miles away, be there when I need her as long as I ask her. 

 So before I start going into something really personal, let me just say this:  friendship, like marriage, is not easy (when you're an adult.)  To sustain it, it takes patience and kindness and acceptance; all traits awarded to one who's taken some punches and realized it's all in the name of Adulthood.  I look at it as one of the gifts we get for growing old...you know, one of the few gifts for growing old.  Patience, compassion, and friendship...friendship that lasts through separation, time, and age.

So to my dear friend I say, no matter where we are or how old we become, you can always count on me...for ever and ever and, well, ever.

*Double income no kids

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop