I was thinking of the Monty Python sketch the other day while cramming the last bit of food from my plate lest I waste a morsel. It was the "One wafer-thin mint". Do you know it?
It's one of their more disgusting bits but best describes how I feel a good portion of the time when I finally push away from the table! Seriously! Too stuffed to eat another bite but...well...okay, one little Andes mint to top me off. POOF!! Then come the morning after, I step on the scale butt naked so I can't "allow" a couple of pounds for my pj's, and am astonished that I've made absolutely no progress in my weight loss efforts! I even went so far once as to send an email to the scale company saying that their scale is obviously inaccurate (I really did!)
Why do I do this to myself every single time I try to make a conscious effort to lose weight? When I make an effort to exercise I don't stick nails in my bike tire so why do I sabotage the weight loss effort?! Sometimes I'm even fully aware of what I'm doing...okay, most of the time. Whatever, all the time! I think to myself, "Self, you've had a weight loss for the past three days. Don't eat the Krimpet. Just put it down, walk away, and get a drink of water or a grape." But then the devil on my shoulder says, "SHUT UP!" And that's that!
I will, however, go so far as to say that although I'm about 25 pounds heavier than I'd like, I pretty much maintain (read I haven't gained another 25) thanks to exercise. I can't even imagine my size without 10 mile bike rides five or six times a week! But even with my dietary slip-ups I really can't understand my inability to lose weight! I've tried everything (not hypnosis...too pricey!) short of lopping off a leg to lose even five pounds (how happy would I be if my leg only weighed five pounds?!) And when I say I've tried, I've really tried. I've flicked the shoulder devil off and have actually eaten a grape instead...or drank a glass of water (or lemon water with a little unfiltered apple cider vinegar thrown in...yum, right?!) I've opted for fruit salad at a BBQ and club soda in my wine but nothing! Maybe 1.2 pounds today, 1/2 pound tomorrow, and 3/4 pound the next, only to be followed by a two pounds gain on day four!! What?! Yes, there are those mornings that I go downstairs to the kitchen completely defeated and reach right for the Capt. Crunch or bagel thinking, "Screw it! Nothing works! Embrace the big butt!" Then I feel gross and guilty and fat and sometimes ruin my whole day's outlook. What a drag! What a vicious cycle I've created for myself!!
So how do I break it? There's got to be an answer to this right? Hormone replacement therapy since menopause's bony hands have taken hold of me? Starvation? No carbs? Atkins, South Beach, Paleo? Tried, tried, tried, and tried more than a few times. I think the answer is in the same hidden treasure chest as the answer to the meaning of life. I'm beginning to settle for acceptance. I'm not throwing my hands in the air quitting and bellying up to the toppings bar at Yogurtland, but I'm not beating myself up (as much) when I "slip" and eat a Hostess treat. Yes, I'll still get annoyed at myself and even shake my head in disgust and maybe even whimper quietly when I can't button that damn button on my jeans that CLEARLY is sewn on WAY too far from the hole on the other side. I'll even try a new holistic product if it's within my parameters of possibly wasting money on it, or a combination of supplements and vitamins designed to curb my appetite and keep the parts lubed.
But here's what I won't do: I won't stop doing my hair, my make-up, or my nails. I won't stop treating myself to a new dress or skirt. However, I won't buy the next size up if it doesn't fit; I'll just go without. Totally a psychological thing but too bad. I won't silently curse my thin friends because I think and sometimes know that although they look fabulous, they have their own demons and shoulder devils to wrestle with. I won't roll my eyes when they whine about gaining SEVEN POUNDS OVER THE WINTER because I know that they work out diligently and like my frustration with dieting to no avail, they too are bewildered as to the "why".
I think unless you're Jack LaLanne (he's the juice guy to those born after 1975) or that scary chic on The Biggest Loser, maintaining a healthy lifestyle has to be a conscious, always there choice (and honestly? It probably is for those people as well.) The reality of it is those people who can eat and eat and be thin and muscular and do absolutely nothing are very, very few and far between. Unfortunately I'm friends with most of them! But really, if I were the only one battling this issue, it wouldn't be the number one retail industry in the US! It's been said a million times that Hollywood is to blame for the self-loathing of our body image. Or Barbie. Or Twiggy (google her, youngin's!) In all fairness, though, I challenge anyone to find an advertisement that EVER had a Rubenesque woman as their model; fit girls sell more stuff. Hollywood's not to blame, our own inferiority complex is...our drive to look like the girl in the ad; at least in my case. I am going to try really hard to see the good in the mirror and forgive the not-so good. To be aware of the imperfections and hope that if I maintain a healthy lifestyle, eventually....like really really eventually my body will acquiesce. And if not, I'll get one of those scooters to get around!
~Eileen Cassidy Bishop
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