The Beast Within

She was a tough kid.  I don't mean 'tough' like she beat anyone up or anything; I mean tough as in stubborn and obstinate.  She was Mary Contrary to anyone who dared challenge her and would dig her heels in so deep, debate with such quickness, most decided in the end to think twice about it next time.  Victory was HERS!!!  Problem was, she was stubborn and obstinate; character traits found in narcissistic, selfish people.  Not really what one looks for in a friend.  Don't get me wrong!  She had plenty of friends!  Tons of them!! They'd hang out, laugh, get in trouble, play Running Bases and Red Rover; but growing up there was really only one that challenged her (almost daily) and hung in all the way through adulthood, God love her!  The downside was that they fought nearly every day!  She loved her and treated her like family...but she never really gave the girl any reason to change; her friend loved her through thick and thin.

But the older she got, the more she realized that being so vocal and contrary was not the means to success, especially for a woman.  So early in her adulthood, she started the difficult task of reinventing herself and willing herself to let things slide or let things go that otherwise she would be all over.  She let people talk down to her without verbally bringing them to their knees simply to keep peace (or her job). She let misinformation go uncorrected so as not to appear contrary or "better than" the informer.  She treated people with kindness, patience, and generosity in the hopes that she would be treated the same; and often she was.  However, too often she wasn't; and that caused her pain.  But she pushed on!  She made a great friend who would wind up being her life-long BAE (before anyone else) and a wonderful guy who would wind up with the life sentence of her husband.  These two loving people put up with her slip-ups and backslides; always there not to shake a finger at her, but to offer a hand to pick her up.  With their help, she continued with her metamorphosis.  In peeling away layers and exposing more delicate tissue beneath, a surgeon needs a strong surgical team there with him in case the scalpel should accidentally penetrate too deeply too quickly and cause too much bleeding. These two were her team.

So after time, she did change.  She became more docile and more forgiving and more patient.  She became more vulnerable too.  She became much more sensitive toward others' feelings as well as toward her own.  For the first time in her life, she became a "cryer".  That was one she wouldn't mind removing!  But be that as it may, one must take the good with the bad!  She was really comfortable in this skin.  She had good friends and liked being the one many turned to for advice or comfort or simply as a sounding board.  Backslides did occur, but she would try to rely more on her intellect and reason and less on simply proving she was right and needing to win.  So she's come quite a long way.

But here's the kicker; people from her early years, family mostly, still see her in her original state and remind her often of past indiscretions or misconduct.  Often it is disguised as humor and just some friendly razzing, but done nonetheless.  For those, the damage may be done.  They may not be willing to erase the past and let the new girl in, but that's not her problem...it's theirs.  When an addict enters recovery and comes out the other side better and stronger than before, will he surround himself with people who will remind him of misdeeds that happened while under the influence or with people who try to put themselves in supporting roles, helping him to continue to fight the good fight?  Do you think that perhaps, if that addict was constantly reminded of the past, said addict might not pull away to save his own skin and to stay focused on his constant battle?  Or worse yet, slip up since he's made to feel it's what's expected?

But she's not an addict.  She'll not slip back into that early role if she occasionally stands up for herself and speaks her mind.  But she thinks she might.  And if she does, she might lose everything she's worked so hard for.  Or if she tells people how they really make her feel, she'll be viewed as pitiful and in need of comfort.  Yuck!  But she's caused herself anguish in losing her voice so although she's worried about how she'll be viewed, she realizes that she has to let a little of that old girl back in.  But in a good way.  She needs to speak up if she sees something wrong in behavior or circumstance but do it before her anguish builds too high.  She needs to maintain the calm she's taught herself.  So much of her pain is self-inflicted because in trying to tame the beast, she's tried to kill the beast.  So like any good animal trainer, she must go back in and face the beast.  Let the beast roar or hiss; they need to do that on occasion, and let its voice be heard in a less off-putting manner.  I've been to circus shows, the tigers bat at the trainer...but gently!  As if to say, "I love you but watch it! I can and may still attack you if you push me too far."

So perhaps she needs to keep some of that soft tissue protected by at least a layer or two; like one's veins are protected by skin.  But look at your hand.  You can still see the veins, right?  Like everyone else at any age, she'll learn from her mistakes for the rest of her life and be constantly tweaking.  She will pass on to the young advice that may prevent those who listen from making the same mistakes she made.  But the young don't listen so she'll look on and offer her hand, not her wagging finger, to help pull them up when they've fallen...'cause she knows just how they feel.

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop