Grand Funk Railroad

I've been in a terrible funk the past month or so.  I haven't wanted to do anything or see anyone or even talk to anyone on the phone.  I did do things, though, and see people and talk to them on the phone because that's what you do, right?  We're adults and we don't have the luxury of folding in on ourselves.  Not when there are houses to run and children to raise and home-fires to keep burning.  So we carry on like the good little soldiers we are and except for perhaps our housemates, everyone is none the wiser.

The lights are coming back on for me.  Things are looking brighter and more clear; kind of like blinking a few times when you wake up in the morning.  And because I'm feeling a bit more aware I'm trying to figure out what, if anything, got me into this situation.  I think I've discovered, or re-discovered some things and I'd like to share because I don't think I'm alone.

I realize I have put too much worth on some of those close to me and not enough on myself.  I've assumed that you would do for me what I would do for you; I've been wrong.  I took for granted and assumed that you would defend my honor as I would yours, that you would stand up to people who put me down or lied about me as I would for you.  It would never cross my mind to not get involved in something when clearly you needed me to stand by your side.  Perhaps not agree with your stance, but certainly to defend your right to say it without the fear of being attacked.  I think I've even earned a bit of a reputation, good or bad, of not holding back when I see someone or something I care about being treated unjustly (I sound like a super hero, don't I? Just call me MegaMouth)

After discovering what I think was the root cause, I then realized I was angry and hurt and had incredible feelings of abandonment.  These people close to me had no idea the way I was feeling!  How could they possibly explain their actions or even change their actions if they had no idea there even was a need in the first place?

So back to my discovery, unless I am a narcissist, I can't expect people to act exactly as I do and if I do, I will be sadly disappointed.  My mom told me this exact thing once (yes, yes, another Mom reference!) and though I always remembered it, I never took it to heart.  Well I do now!  And simply, their existence in my life is far more important to me than they're inability to follow my secret rules.  I'm  not angry anymore; not at them at least.  People will act the way their hearts and consciences lead them and if it's alongside me, so be it, if not, well, so be it!

I think it's important to mention, too, that their worth to me has not changed in the least.  However, I have realized that I will value myself more than I have previously.  I think I'm an exceptionally caring and conscientious person.  And although I value you, I'm not concerned as to whether or not you agree with my self-assessment...to the contrary, I don't want to know!  You know that old expression, "if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question"?  Yeah, well, I ain't askin'!!!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop