A Peace For My Mind

Where do you find peace?  Where do you find comfort?  Is it looking at old pictures or movies?  Is it from watching your young children (or anyone's young children)?  Is it remembering past vacations or outings?  Can you find peace by just sitting on your couch?  I have a friend who says you can...if you try.  So I'm going to try!

Peace isn't going to come up and hit me over the head; that would probably be more like War anyway.  It's not going to come gently tapping at the door or call me on the phone.  It will only come if I call it and will only be with me if I allow it to stay.  So how do I call it?  Or more importantly perhaps, how do I get it to stay?  How do I maintain inner peace once I achieve it?  I think I'm stressing myself out even more just trying to figure this out!

Maybe, just maybe, I'm over-thinking it.  Maybe my friend is right.  My friend, by the way, is a professional trainer and physical fitness coach so he may actually know what he's talking about.  Maybe I do need to just sit on the couch, breathe, clear my mind, and let peace in.  The sitting on the couch part will be easy; I do that a LOT!  Breathing?  No-brainer!!  Letting peace in sounds pretty doable too.  It's the clearing of my mind that I think will be the tricky part...but I'm not going to over-think it.  I'm going to try.  If it doesn't work the first time, or doesn't last (good things never do without effort, right?), then I'll try it again...and again...and again.

In a perfect world, once we climb the mountain and meet the Dalai Lama, we are rewarded with knowledge and inner peace...we will understand the meaning of life and be forever at peace because of that knowledge.  Now, in the real world, our mountain peek is always just out of reach or our Dali is balanced precariously on a bed of gravel and each time he starts to tell us the secret, we slip on the gravel, falling just out of hearing range.  Or maybe, even if we make it to the summit and we hear with perfect clarity what the Dali has to say, by the time we travel back down the mountain and back to our everyday lives, the meaning of life...of our individual lives, has changed and we have to turn around and start the climb again.

I ask God often for peace and although I know He's listening, and I know He does and will help me, I'm thinking He may help me more if I help myself more. He'll see me making an effort and hopefully make it less and less of an effort as time goes by.  So no more thinking about it and planning to start tomorrow!!  I'm off to the couch to breathe!

~ Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Misty Water-Color Memories

So apparently it's Retro Week on Facebook and everyone is posting old pictures of themselves and friends.  I used to hate doing that because I HATED the way I looked in celluloid but now that I'm a big fan of soft light and long distance shots, I don't mind so much looking at the dork in the picture only because she looks so stinkin' young!

Looking at the pictures though, it makes me think of past experiences with so many of these people.  Not all of them good, to be sure, but who has an absolute perfect childhood or adolescence?  Between parents, friends, puberty, and school, I think we all carried  a heavy load...for a kid anyway!  I think it's like when someone dies and we can only seem to remember the good things; people remember youth so fondly they romanticize it into a Walton's episode.  But I don't.  I bid a not-so-fond farewell to childhood and adolescence and threw my arms lovingly around my adulthood in a warm welcoming embrace!

Now please don't get me wrong, especially those really great people I hung out with back then; I have fantastic, funny, warm, great memories!  I remember high school dinner dances and proms and hanging out at the South Amboy Bay or under the overpass near President Park or at Chicken Tonite or Papa's Pizza or the "tracks" or the "rail" and having a rip-roaring good time.  Just sitting here thinking I realize I could list places and events for an hour...funny how they all come flooding in when you open that archived file in your brain's computer.  I'm not going to be able to tell my kids some of these memories, but that's another story!  

But it wasn't all good.  I lost my dad my senior year of high school.  I had a volatile relationship with my mother.  I lost friends for reasons, honestly, I can't remember; one day I had them, the next day I didn't.  I know there's more to it than that, but it's not coming to me and  maybe it never will unless someone reminds me (which I'm in no hurry for, thank you very much).  I had such a good time sophomore year that I had to leave private school and go to the public high school...very embarrassing!  (Not going to SWMHS but having to, if that makes any sense.)  And although a good school with great people I'd known from my junior high days, because I came back after three years away, I felt like the 'new kid' or the one who was late to the movie and just couldn't get caught up fast enough before the next scene started.  So I guess I wasn't sure where I fit in...did I belong with the people I'd just spent the last three years with, three really good years, or with my old friends who I missed but who had moved on and in some cases, didn't mesh with me the way we once had?  It was a rough road in the beginning, to be sure.  However, the wonderful thing about this, to find the silver lining, is that I had a multitude of friends spanning two schools and a number of towns!

So based on this small glimpse into my past, whenever a fellow twenty-something or early thirty-something would whine, "Oh how I wish I could go back!" I'd smirk and say, "No thanks!  Are you kidding?  I have a good job, good husband, nice house, a decent relationship with my mother, living the life as a DINK (Double Income No Kids) and loving it, and you want me to go back?!  Nope! Not gonna happen!  Not no how, not no way!"  ..........But things change with time, don't they?

I look at the pictures friends are posting and wish I would've been to a lot of the things they'd gone to or stayed in touch after graduation.  I didn't even go to my high school's 10 year reunion.  I look at the group picture now and regret it.  I think I just wasn't ready to stroll down memory lane.  At that point I was married for two years, had a great job and a great life so maybe reminiscing wasn't appealing for me at the time.  I don't know the reason anymore.

Now, in my forties (let's just say 'mid forties' and leave it at that), I am now seeing the attraction of going back and reliving some of it.  But like so many people say, I want to go back armed with my 25 plus years of experience gained; I don't want to be the same clueless-thinks-she-knows-everything-but-in-reality-knows-absolutely-nothing girl.  Otherwise, I'm out!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Cross Examination

The more my children learn, the more questions they have.  The more information they're given, the more they require.  They aren't easily satisfied either!  If your answer is at all vague, the more in-depth the questions become.  Teachers cover the academic end; though at these ages, seven and six, I'm pretty confident in that area.  (Although, has anyone seen the new new math?? Makes no sense to me!)  

It's the religious questions that trip me up!  They had questions before, but now that they're both in CCD (religious education Catholic style), they've got even more.  I can answer most of them at least enough to satisfy them for a while, but when we get to the Holy Trinity...well...that's a toughy to explain to children!  They see things so logically and physically, so to speak.  When I tell them God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one, they look at me and smirk.  

"But Jesus is God's son, right?"  

"Yes, that's right."

"Then how can He be the same as God?"

"Um, well, because he's God and He can do anything." (Lame, I know, but I was desperate.)

"Was Jesus always with God in Heaven?"

"Yes."

"So that's two people, God and Jesus."

"No, they're not people.  It's not like they're sitting side by side up there."

Blank stare.  

Blink, blink.

"Nevermind."

"Okay."  (Inaudible sigh of relief!)

I know they walk away more confused than when they asked the question, but I figure I've shaken their confidence in my role as all-knowing oracle enough for now.

When Gene was leaving the house with our beloved Chickie wrapped in a blanket and cradled in is arms after she passed away, they asked where he was taking her. "Aren't we going to bury her?!"  Gene and I just looked at each other, sighed, and decided on the truth, albeit a bit vague.  "Well, the vet is going to cremate Chickie.  Cremation is something he does that makes Chickie small enough to fit in a shoebox."  They were okay with this and I was pretty proud of myself for satisfying them.  That is, until the next day when Cathy, playing with a miniature Barbie dog, asked, "Is this how Chickie will look when she comes home?"  Ugh.  "No baby, she won't look like a dog anymore. She won't look like anything."  Blank look.  Not until Chickie came home in the lovely rosewood box and they asked to see her did they understand.  I had hoped to avoid showing them the ashes that she'd become, but didn't want to deny them.  When I did, their eyes opened a little wider and their mouths gaped a bit, but they got it; they finally understood.  "That's Chickie??!" asked Cathy.  "It's okay," answered Leo, "She's just back to dust, Cath, it's not really her.  She's up playing in the field by the bridge, remember?"  "Oh yeah."  And that was that.

I know it's just going to get harder and harder to satisfy them as time goes by and their abilities to process information grow stronger each day.  I know there will be many more blank stares or even, God forbid, eye rolls and sideways looks at each other that say, "She has no idea, does she?"  

I don't remember how old I was before I became aware of just how clueless my parents were nor do I remember how old I was when I realized they weren't clueless at all.  I can tell you one thing for sure; it was after many, many eye rolls!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Distractions Keep me From Getting Anythin...OOP! Incoming Email....

Remember, I'm a stay-at-home mom so if you've got a REAL JOB out in the REAL WORLD, you might not realize it, but while reading this you'll occasionally be making a "pfft" kind of noise.

On a good day, I start my day out great. The kids get up at 6:30 a.m. and come in and snuggle and watch Arthur, or Phineas and Ferb if we're especially lucky with the morning's t.v. line-up, until 7 a.m.  They have the option to sleep until 7 a.m. and miss the morning's entertainment, but t.v. usually wins out over sleep.  At 6:55 a.m. the drill sergeant (that would be me) announces, "It's time to get up, go to the bathroom if you haven't already done so, get dressed, make your bed, pick up your clothes, and meet me downstairs.  What do you want for breakfast?"  Usually the troops are plodding down the stairs by 7:20 a.m. unless they "GOT DISTRACTED!" which happens more often than not.  They've already hemmed and hawed for five minutes deliberating over what to have for breakfast, so that's either been popped in the microwave, the toaster, or the cereal bowl awaiting their arrival.

Once the routine of breakfast is in full swing, it's on to lunch prep and another five minutes of deliberation over PB&J, salami, roll v. whole wheat bread, and/or, on some occasions, a homemade bologna Lunchable (no, I'm not kidding! I saved the tray from a real Lunchable and even include the cookie for dessert!)

So now everyone's dressed, fed, quaffed, and shod and out the door for the 8:05 a.m. bus pick-up. Whew! I have an almost perfect record having only missed the bus once (not counting the afternoon my clocks reset and I was an hour late picking up Kindergartner Leo from the afternoon bus, ahem.  And fortunately for me, he remembers it VIVIDLY). 

Aaaaaaaanyway...(say it like Dr. Doofenschmirtz)

So not to blow my own horn, but I've pretty much got it down and it runs like a well-oiled machine.  The problem is, it's the only part of my day that has a schedule.  The rest of the day is filled with hap-hazard attempts at organizing a closet or drawer, putting on a load of laundry then forgetting it's in the dryer getting wrinkled, catching up on Facebook (that probably should have been listed first!), writing, making a card or two, scheduling appointments, and at least once a week or so, shopping; grocery or other.  I could do ten different things, finish none of them, then by 3:00 p.m., when it's time to get the kids from the bus stop, I can't say I accomplished a single one!

I wish I could be organized; make to-do lists, have a Fly-Lady attitude of "if you haven't used it in six months, trash it", plan out weekly dinner menus.  I've tried.  I've tried hard many many times.  Even when I had a REAL JOB I was unorganized.  I'd have a pile of filing as tall as my cubicle wall and think to myself, "I really need to get to that today."  But I didn't, and I don't.  My office desk still looks like the dumping ground for a recycling center and I still forget the occasional appointment and still hoard things because they're still usable (like an 1/8 of an inch of conditioner in the bottom of a travel bottle or three drops of clear nail polish that you can barely reach with the little brush they give you).

However, having said all this, I will say that in an on-going effort to live a well-ordered life, I have gotten a bit better.  I have a dry erase calendar board that I actually fill out and refer to.  I cross check it with my desk calendar that is filled out and referred to often, especially when updating the dry-erase board.  I even have a wall calendar inside my phone closet in the kitchen for quick reference.  But since I don't trust that one, I have to run into the office to cross check and verify.  I have turned my office into a half office, half arts and crafts room and the kids have their own desk and chairs and their own shelves for storage which has freed up two cabinets in my kitchen which will be filled in the not-too-distant future in a neat, orderly fashion. (Soon I'm going to have to schedule some time for that in my desk/wall/dry erase calendars)  I'm trying to take on the mindset that this is a sort of quasi REAL JOB and I should approach it as such.  

Of course, I'll have to do a better job at this REAL JOB than I did at my last when it comes to organizing and planning. Fortunately for me, unlike the previous ones, my current bosses are as messy, unorganized, and hoarding as I!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Why Me?

Sit down one afternoon when you've got nothing to do and try to remember how you met all the significant people in your life; your spouse, your BFF, your circle of friends, your worst enemy.  Do you realize that if it weren't for some particular person, some event, some situation, your children, you never would have had the pleasure of knowing those people.  Sometimes I take a moment and thank my friend Jayne and my sister Jeannie who were instrumental in me meeting my husband (sometimes I take a moment and curse them too!)  Or I thank my Board of Education in Sayreville, NJ for putting me in class with my life-long friend before I even knew who she was.  Or my children for getting me involved with people through a moms club or school event or church vacation bible school.  Or a lousy neighborhood situation that would lead to us finding this wonderful house in this lovely town filled with (mostly) great people.  (well, maybe I wouldn't be grateful for that situation but you can see where I'm going with this)

I will be forever grateful for everything that's happened in my life and the people who helped make it happen.  But I can't and don't give them credit for the success of my relationships nor do I blame them for the demise of them.  That's all me; I'm responsible for putting forth the effort to keep the attachments (or not), both physically and emotionally.  I can thank friends and relations who've helped me mellow over the years but congratulate and thank myself for staying mellow.  I can thank my kids for my ever-growing circle of friends, but can't put the blame on them when time passes and I've let the relationship wane.  It's my fault for not making the time even if our kids are growing apart due to interests changing and schedules grow full.

In this world, I've learned, things can change on a dime.  If you don't change with it, than maybe things or people aren't as important to you as they were once.  Maybe you change.  Maybe they change and you don't like the change so you back slowly away.  So slowly at times that you don't even realize you're doing it.  I think it's okay.  I think if you can accept the change and roll with it; make sense of it within your own mind and heart, you will be happier and live longer.

That's what I've been trying to do lately.  There have been lots of twists and turns this past Summer and once incredibly upset and feeling abandoned or dumped,  I now realize it's just the way the world turns; it's the evolution of feelings and views, it's the metamorphosis of the relationship to either a higher level or a lower level of importance and it's okay.  I'm going with the flow.  I'm looking at it as an opportunity to expand my horizons instead of as a punishment and reason to close in on myself.

This is what's working for me.  Me, at this age (over 29 but under 70, as my mother-in-law used to say), dealing with the same things I dealt with as a school-aged kid.  But this time I'm going to use my maturity and my experiences to pull me through instead of lying face-down on my pillow and crying, "Why me?"  And I'll tell you what...it's pretty damn liberating!!!!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Xena, Warrior Princess and Sweet Little Chicken

Xena, Warrior Princess and Sweet Little Chicken

We said good-bye to our dog this morning.  She passed during the night lying next to Leo's bed.  She just didn't wake up.  She looked the way she had when I would have to go up and touch her to make sure she was still alive.  I'd been doing that for so long that when I walked into the room after Cathy discovered her, I almost asked Gene if he was sure she'd died.  She looked as sweet as ever and completely at piece.  Death had come for her while she slept...just like I'd asked.

I knew it was coming.  She was 14 and a half years old; already beating the odds for a Bassett Hound.  She'd been acting strangely for the past couple of days since we returned from vacation and something told me it wouldn't be long.  Last night I sat with her on the floor, told her I loved her and that it was okay to go.  I went to bed and prayed that she'd go on her own; that she wouldn't need any intervention from us (or the vet).  I'd been steeling myself for quite a while for this day.  But still...

We'll get another dog...or two...probably sooner than later.  If I had my way I'd wait but with two kids who have had dogs around them all their short lives, I don't think I have much of a choice.  I wonder if they'd be good with a miniature horse; I hear they live 30+ years.  Nah, a horse would definitely mark up the floors!  I hear birds last a long time too but then you have to have a bird.  No, I like birds OUTside my house.  This way when they start chirping you can close the window and block out the sound.

No, it'll be a dog.  I'd love to have a cat but I'm allergic, unfortunately.  It's a cruel joke to make a cat lover cat allergic, but so it is.  Yes, another dog.  But it won't ever be another Chickie.  She was, by far, the most gentle thing on Earth.  She'd bark on the front lawn at other dogs to KEEP AWAY but when the dog ventured near her, she'd roll over onto her back and quiver!  So funny!  That's where "Chickie" came from.  She was such a little chicken with other dogs that it just stuck.  A warrior princess she was not but that's okay.  Give me a Chickie over a Warrior any day!

The next couple of days will be hard on the kids and for us.  Cathy walks in the door and yells "Chickie!" without fail.  I think it will be a hard habit to break.  Leo, like Gene, would often give her a little pat and mutter "who's a good Chickie?" anytime he walked past her.  We told them about the meadow (you know, the one by the Rainbow Bridge?) and that helped.  They're kids; they'll get over it and move on...fortunately...but there will be days or moments when something will make them think of her and they may cry or want to, but then it will pass and life will go on...it always does.

So to wax poetic, farewell sweet Chickie, you will be loved for ever and ever and ever.  Tell Thorboy hello from us and have fun tipping over all those garbage cans 'cause Lord knows Heaven for Chickie is filled with tip-able garbage cans!!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Holy Mother of God

So I started working out about six or so weeks ago with a group of women who actually pay someone to torture them for a minimum of 75 minutes which is usually, in actuality 90 to 120 minutes. They had been trying to get me to join them in their semi-weekly torture for the past year until I finally gave in and joined them on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend...appropriate as it was OH SO MEMORABLE!!! I was sore until Thursday and the name spoken more often then not was HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!

Actually, those words were spoken more during the workout then after! He was tough, this trainer named Des...very tough! But you know what? I came back the next Saturday and have only missed one workout since!

Everyone at one time or another works out, right? I mean, I'm not holding the holy grail in my hand screaming "I'VE FOUND IT, I'VE FOUND IT!!!" But maybe, in my own mind, I am! Never before have I actually wanted to go out and run after a long day to try and improve my breathing for workout or try to improve my stamina for a 5K. 5K?!??! What the...??? But I am and I'm really impressed, I have to tell you!

The other night I was headed out for torture and my daughter said, "I told you Mom, you're as skinny as a green bean and I don't want you working out anymore! You get too sweaty!!" Yes, yes I do! Sorry! I try to explain to her than even if I'm as skinny as a green bean (and by the way, I'd love to borrow her glasses to see THAT!) I am FINALLY feeling healthy and if I do this I'll grow old and watch what a great grandparent she'll be! She buys it long enough for me to get out the door.

So I do feel good; inside and out. I don't see any incredible change yet but I can feel it in there dying to get out! My intention is to stick with it and if I have to call on the Holy Mother at every workout, I just hope she listens at least once in a while!

~ Eileen Cassidy Bishop

Summer Vacation!

Summer Vacation...the stay-at-home-mom's nemesis

June 17th. The official first day of summer vacation.

Summer Vacation, 1977. Summer Vacation; what a beautiful time of year! Remember how we would begin dreaming of Summer Vacation in January (right after we stopped dreaming about Christmas)? Remember how we would yearn for Summer Vacation by March and be desperate for Summer Vacation by May? Like really desperate? We'd look out the windows of our classrooms while sweating our prepubescent butts off and fantasize about swimming in a friend's pool or going to the beach, or lounging in our tv room with the window air-condition blasting at "maximum high". We'd long for the piercing sound of the last bell of the school year to peel out and announce our long-awaited freedom. Yes, yes, I remember it well.

Summer Vacation, 2011. Summer Vacation already?! Seriously?? Weren't they just home for a week in the Spring? I'm not ready to entertain them for 12 weeks! I'm good for four, maybe five weeks then I'm going to have to either come up with some new material or start a loop and hope they don't realize it. They're young, they'll be thrilled with the repetition, right?

You know if it weren't for the mind numbing fear of their boredom, I'd be more excited about being with them for three Summer months. Really! I do miss them during the year when our daily interaction consists of nagging them to get dressed and eat their breakfast to nagging them to finish their homework to nagging them to go to sleep so they can wake up for school in the morning. I look forward to the occasionally lazy morning and living our days without a strict schedule. I like the fact that they're as happy with swimming in a pool as they are about going to the beach or, sometimes, sitting in the air-conditioned family room watching something completely un-educational on television. It's all okay; it's Summer Vacation!

I can't say I look forward to Summer Vacation these days the way I did when I was 12, but I have to admit that I don't dread it either. The older they get, the more I realize my time is limited with them. With them actually wanting to hang out with me and be satisfied with play-doh or bike rides or the water slide in the backyard...most of the time.

Look, I realize that by early August, "I'm bored" will be the phrase of the day and by late July I'll be rolling my eyes so much I'll be tripping left and right over my own feet, but for now, I have to will my optimism high though my itinerary is short and try hard to meet this challenge head-on! The biggest challenge will be NOT referring to it as a challenge!

It's all good, as they say. It'll all work out. Besides, if I remember correctly from 1977, Summer is over in the blink of an eye. Even I can handle that!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop *

Just Out of Reach

Does anyone else look out the window in the morning while carefully chugging their first cup of coffee while the kids are eating their Cocoa Puffs (one at a time) and waffle and sniping at one another or giggling uncontrollably and NOT eating said Puffs and waffle and think, "When? When will Spring weather allow me to open the windows or better yet, sit outside with my face turned up toward the sun?" Am I the only one who wonders this? Clearly I'm not. All I have to do is sign on to Facebook and listen to rapture over the sunshine or laments over the cold rain or, dear God, SNOW, and realize that.

It's coming. I know it is. It has to. We just need to be patient. How's everybody with patience? Good? Yeah, me either! But what choice do we have? We could bitch and complain and yell at our kids or flip people off on the road or walk around with a sneer on our face and just wait. Or...we could put on a thick sweater, warm coat and gloves and head outside and pretend! Why not? Why can't we do all the things we do in warmer weather in not-so warmer weather? Why can't we ride our bikes? Why can't we play monkey-in-the-middle or soccer in the front yard? Within two minutes we'll be peeling off scarves and unzipping coats working up a good old-fashioned play-like-you're-six years old sweat.

So just do it. Do it if you've got a couple of kids laying around but do it even if you don't! Go work on your boat...Summer's right around the corner. Work on your tan (you think the sun won't tint you in March?) Make a little fire in your fire pit and roast a couple of marshmallows; within a couple of months it'll be too hot to even contemplate that!

It's coming. Spring. Summer. Fireflies. Sweating. Sunburn. Mosquitoes. See? Nothing's perfect; it just seems that way when it's only inches from reach!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop 3/29/11