Just Out of Reach

Does anyone else look out the window in the morning while carefully chugging their first cup of coffee while the kids are eating their Cocoa Puffs (one at a time) and waffle and sniping at one another or giggling uncontrollably and NOT eating said Puffs and waffle and think, "When? When will Spring weather allow me to open the windows or better yet, sit outside with my face turned up toward the sun?" Am I the only one who wonders this? Clearly I'm not. All I have to do is sign on to Facebook and listen to rapture over the sunshine or laments over the cold rain or, dear God, SNOW, and realize that.

It's coming. I know it is. It has to. We just need to be patient. How's everybody with patience? Good? Yeah, me either! But what choice do we have? We could bitch and complain and yell at our kids or flip people off on the road or walk around with a sneer on our face and just wait. Or...we could put on a thick sweater, warm coat and gloves and head outside and pretend! Why not? Why can't we do all the things we do in warmer weather in not-so warmer weather? Why can't we ride our bikes? Why can't we play monkey-in-the-middle or soccer in the front yard? Within two minutes we'll be peeling off scarves and unzipping coats working up a good old-fashioned play-like-you're-six years old sweat.

So just do it. Do it if you've got a couple of kids laying around but do it even if you don't! Go work on your boat...Summer's right around the corner. Work on your tan (you think the sun won't tint you in March?) Make a little fire in your fire pit and roast a couple of marshmallows; within a couple of months it'll be too hot to even contemplate that!

It's coming. Spring. Summer. Fireflies. Sweating. Sunburn. Mosquitoes. See? Nothing's perfect; it just seems that way when it's only inches from reach!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop 3/29/11

Good-bye

I lost someone very dear to me a few days ago. My uncle died suddenly and although he was over 80, not in a million years, when my mom called, did I expect this news. Even as I write this I'm fighting back utter sadness.

I think my sadness is not only because of his death, but because of a collection of things. Eight months ago, I had two wonderful uncles, my Aunt had a husband and a brother, and my mom had two brothers. Maybe it's the finality of it all; other than my brothers, there are no men left from my childhood. My own father passed almost 28 years ago. The second generation of the Gans Clan has no fathers...my uncle was the last. Farewell to the first generation's testosterone, you did well!! Thanks to you and a good Irish Catholic upbringing, there are about a billion of us running around!! I can certainly take some solace from that.

Maybe I'm this upset because I know the older I get the older the adults from my childhood get and I morn for not only the people I've already lost, but for the someday loss of those still living. I try not to dwell on it, but at times like these, I just can't help it. Whenever I mention this to my mother, that I worry about her dying, she always has the same response: "What do you want Eileen? I can't live forever! Heck, I don't want to!!"

But they all can, can't they? They can live on in the funny and wonderful stories we'll tell at family get-togethers and Christmas and Thanksgiving Dinners. We'll tell them with smiles on our faces and a warmth in our hearts.

So thanks for letting me babble. I've convinced myself that we are all, in fact, going to live forever! As long as the testosterone holds out and babies keep being made, we'll all live on in hearts and minds. Some of our stories will become legends and wives tales simply because some of them are so silly, strange, sad, or sweet that they can't have happened. The stories will change slightly over the years, most likely, like the telephone game we played as children but the bones will never change.

So I'll take comfort in knowing that while we're down here, they're up there, laughing and smiling as much as we do and when we leave this world and go to the next, they'll be waiting with outstretched arms to give us the hugs we've missed for so long.

So good-bye, Uncle Gene. I hope the golf courses are well-groomed up there and that your every shot is long and straight!!

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

Apparently I have this reputation for being a big mouth ready to take on anyone who crosses me or ticks me off. I'm not quite sure how I got this. I mean, okay, when I was a child I would throw tantrums and yell my little lungs out and as a pre-teen and teen, I walked around angry at everyone...everyone except my posse, of course. I would yell at my mother, sneer at my father, ignore my sister (which was just fine with her!) and the like. I mellowed with age. By the time I was in my early 20's, I was basically nice to everyone, even my mom if I didn't see her too often. I would still get ticked off, but I would keep it more to myself because I was pretty much afraid of causing a scene. Imagine that? Me? Afraid of the attention? Well, negative attention? You bet your sweet bippy! Now I'm more afraid of hurting people's feelings or having them misunderstand what I'm saying or worst of all, yell at me that I choose silence rather than say something negative or react negatively. I try not to let anyone walk on me (at least not too much anyway), but I hold my tongue more often than not.

So why do I have this reputation? I honestly don't get it. Even now, with a gaggle of new wonderful friends, friends who didn't know me in the "angry years", I'm viewed as this "take no prisoners" kind of woman. I have never yelled at anyone...well, aside from my kids and my husband but that's just a right, isn't it? I've had plenty of opportunities to let people know how angry or hurt they've made me or to stop speaking to them or taking their phone calls, but I never took them. Over the years I have had a few confrontations with close family members and even a couple of friends, one with a now ex-friend, but only if I was drawn in. And even then, the quick-thinking "big mouth" of yesteryear would get tongue-tied and upset to tears. So not worth it. I think there are very few reasons that will support making a scene or hurting someone with words spoken in anger. You can never ever ever take back words. The recipient will never ever ever forget what you said. They may forgive, if you're lucky, but they'll never forget. So there will always be a riff between you.

When I was 18, I couldn't care less about that. If I had something on my mind, or you made me angry, you knew about it; no holds barred. But I was young and socially retarded; as I think all teenagers are to some degree. I was raised in a family that squabbled a lot and made up shortly afterward so I just assumed that would work with the rest of the world. I was wrong. I learned that pretty quickly and after a few bosses would tell me on my exit interview after being fired. Oh yes, my mouth got me into trouble many times back then.

But by changing my outlook along the way and maturing into real adulthood, I learned my lesson. I've probably mellowed too much as there are some who will take advantage along the way, but I'd rather be happy and have the people around me be happy with me than to let a few bad apples ruin all the work I've done on myself.

...However, watch out. I may decide since I can't beat 'em I'll join 'em and then boy oh boy, you'll hear me roar!! (insert wink here)

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop