Just One Wafer-Thin Mint?

I was thinking of the Monty Python sketch the other day while cramming the last bit of food from my plate lest I waste a morsel.  It was the "One wafer-thin mint".  Do you know it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJZPzQESq_0

It's one of their more disgusting bits but best describes how I feel a good portion of the time when I finally push away from the table!  Seriously! Too stuffed to eat another bite but...well...okay, one little Andes mint to top me off.  POOF!!  Then come the morning after, I step on the scale butt naked so I can't "allow" a couple of pounds for my pj's, and am astonished that I've made absolutely no progress in my weight loss efforts!  I even went so far once as to send an email to the scale company saying that their scale is obviously inaccurate (I really did!) 

Why do I do this to myself every single time I try to make a conscious effort to lose weight?  When I make an effort to exercise I don't stick nails in my bike tire so why do I sabotage the weight loss effort?!  Sometimes I'm even fully aware of what I'm doing...okay, most of the time.  Whatever, all the time!  I think to myself, "Self, you've had a weight loss for the past three days.  Don't eat the Krimpet.  Just put it down, walk away, and get a drink of water or a grape."  But then the devil on my shoulder says, "SHUT UP!"  And that's that!

I will, however, go so far as to say that although I'm about 25 pounds heavier than I'd like, I pretty much maintain (read I haven't gained another 25) thanks to exercise.  I can't even imagine my size without 10 mile bike rides five or six times a week!  But even with my dietary slip-ups I really can't understand my inability to lose weight!  I've tried everything (not hypnosis...too pricey!) short of lopping off a leg to lose even five pounds (how happy would I be if my leg only weighed five pounds?!)  And when I say I've tried, I've really tried.  I've flicked the shoulder devil off and have actually eaten a grape instead...or drank a glass of water (or lemon water with a little unfiltered apple cider vinegar thrown in...yum, right?!)  I've opted for fruit salad at a BBQ and club soda in my wine but nothing!  Maybe 1.2 pounds today, 1/2 pound tomorrow, and 3/4 pound the next, only to be followed by a two pounds gain on day four!!  What?!  Yes, there are those mornings that I go downstairs to the kitchen completely defeated and reach right for the Capt. Crunch or bagel thinking, "Screw it!  Nothing works! Embrace the big butt!"  Then I feel gross and guilty and fat and sometimes ruin my whole day's outlook.  What a drag!  What a vicious cycle I've created for myself!!

So how do I break it?  There's got to be an answer to this right?  Hormone replacement therapy since menopause's bony hands have taken hold of me?  Starvation?  No carbs?  Atkins, South Beach, Paleo?  Tried, tried, tried, and tried more than a few times.  I think the answer is in the same hidden treasure chest as the answer to the meaning of life.  I'm beginning to settle for acceptance.  I'm not throwing my hands in the air quitting and bellying up to the toppings bar at Yogurtland, but I'm not beating myself up (as much) when I "slip" and eat a Hostess treat.  Yes, I'll still get annoyed at myself and even shake my head in disgust and maybe even whimper quietly when I can't button that damn button on my jeans that CLEARLY is sewn on WAY too far from the hole on the other side.  I'll even try a new holistic product if it's within my parameters of possibly wasting money on it, or a combination of supplements and vitamins designed to curb my appetite and keep the parts lubed.

But here's what I won't do:  I won't stop doing my hair, my make-up, or my nails.  I won't stop treating myself to a new dress or skirt.  However, I won't buy the next size up if it doesn't fit; I'll just go without.  Totally a psychological thing but too bad.  I won't silently curse my thin friends because I think and sometimes know that although they look fabulous, they have their own demons and shoulder devils to wrestle with.  I won't roll my eyes when they whine about gaining SEVEN POUNDS OVER THE WINTER because I know that they work out diligently and like my frustration with dieting to no avail, they too are bewildered as to the "why".

I think unless you're Jack LaLanne (he's the juice guy to those born after 1975) or that scary chic on The Biggest Loser, maintaining a healthy lifestyle has to be a conscious, always there choice (and honestly?  It probably is for those people as well.)  The reality of it is those people who can eat and eat and be thin and muscular and do absolutely nothing are very, very few and far between.  Unfortunately I'm friends with most of them!  But really, if I were the only one battling this issue, it wouldn't be the number one retail industry in the US!   It's been said a million times that Hollywood is to blame for the self-loathing of our body image.  Or Barbie.  Or Twiggy (google her, youngin's!)  In all fairness, though, I challenge anyone to find an advertisement that EVER had a Rubenesque woman as their model; fit girls sell more stuff.  Hollywood's not to blame, our own inferiority complex is...our drive to look like the girl in the ad; at least in my case.  I am going to try really hard to see the good in the mirror and forgive the not-so good.  To be aware of the imperfections and hope that if I maintain a healthy lifestyle, eventually....like really really eventually my body will acquiesce. And if not, I'll get one of those scooters to get around!

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop 

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

My children swim on two swim teams; one Summer, one Winter.  They are 10 and 11 years old.  They swim anywhere from two to five (maximum) events out of about 65.  Their races last anywhere from 20 seconds to 1.5 minutes.  That's it. And if you miss it, welp, sorry!!  No replay monitors!  Usually, my kids couldn't care one iota if I missed their event...until I do. That's the time they come up all excited squealing, "Didya see me? I took 3 seconds off my time!!"  Without skipping a beat, I lie through my teeth; "You didn't hear me screaming?  You were amazing!!  Good job!"   Technically not a lie; I often scream when they're swimming and they're ALWAYS amazing!  Oy.

I'm sure, if you spend any time on Facebook, you have read at least one blog about a swim meet.  They're exciting...in two minute blocks.  But those two minutes?  Nail biting exciting!! Especially when it comes to your own kids.  The rest of the four-ish hours are spent doing whatever job you've volunteered for or, if you have the meet off, reading a book, chatting with other prisoners, um, parents, slathering lotion on your swimmers (when they come over to you ONLY to ask for something to drink, eat, or buy from the snack bar), and trying desperately to align your chair to be even somewhat in the shade.  Good times...good times.  I saw a tee shirt once that read, "If I only have one day left to live, I want to spend it at a swim meet 'cause they last forever".  True that!

When the last regular Summer season meet arrives, there is much rejoicing!  There's a pasta lunch and inspiration bags (filled with inspiring quotes and goodies for and from fellow teammates), a camp-out, team family skits, and award nights...and saying farewell to graduating seniors leaving for college or points unknown.  The entire month of July is dedicated to daily morning practice and preparing to either host a meet or actively participate in an "away" meet.  So come the last meet on the last Saturday of July, everyone is ready for a break.  Suddenly, however, every kid now WANTS to go to the pool and spend the entire day there.  Why?  Why else?  Because no one is telling them they have to!  The nice thing is not having to be there as early as 7:30 a.m.  There is an air of relaxation between the kids and the moms (read chauffeurs), summer vacations away are planned (now permitted since no meets will be missed) and the chat doesn't focus solely on swimming.  It's a nice respite before, for some, it starts all over again in October!

Why do we do it?  Why do we give up evenings for one or two hour practices three to five times a week and sometimes entire weekends for a two-day meet in the Winter and every morning and Saturday in the Summer?  Because it's an awesome experience!  Not just for the swimmers, but for the rest of us watching these boys and girls give they're all doing something I could BARELY do when I was a kid!  Reading their faces when they win a race; watching them shake hands with their neighboring competitors and cheering on the last one lagging far behind.  Seeing they're proud faces when they go up to receive their place ribbons while their teammates clap for them.  It's deafening when these kids, either still trying to psyche themselves up for their own race or after spending the last four plus hours swimming or trying to stay cool (they're not allowed in the pool except for their events), are cheering for individual swimmers and the relay teams at the top of their collective lungs screaming, "SWIM FAST!! PULL!!  GOOD TURN!!  GO! GO! GO!"  It's an amazing camaraderie between swimmers, and swimmers and their coaches; not to mention the parents patting each other on the back congratulating each other for their kid's win (or good try).  It's cool. Very.

My kids' grandparents will never see them swim live (I love them too much to make them sit in either the blistering Summer sun or the mind-numbing humidity of the indoor Winter season) and I'll continue to bitch and moan about one thing or another.  But I hope the day never comes, and it very well may, when I hear, "I don't think I'm going to swim this year."

~ Eileen Cassidy Bishop

I want to give a shout out to our team's own alum, Kelsi Worrell, the best Fly girl at the PanAm games 2015!  She's on the Olympic track and we could not be happier or prouder!! She has been an inspiration to every swimmer on our team!! Swim fast, Kelsi, you got this!!!

The Beast Within

She was a tough kid.  I don't mean 'tough' like she beat anyone up or anything; I mean tough as in stubborn and obstinate.  She was Mary Contrary to anyone who dared challenge her and would dig her heels in so deep, debate with such quickness, most decided in the end to think twice about it next time.  Victory was HERS!!!  Problem was, she was stubborn and obstinate; character traits found in narcissistic, selfish people.  Not really what one looks for in a friend.  Don't get me wrong!  She had plenty of friends!  Tons of them!! They'd hang out, laugh, get in trouble, play Running Bases and Red Rover; but growing up there was really only one that challenged her (almost daily) and hung in all the way through adulthood, God love her!  The downside was that they fought nearly every day!  She loved her and treated her like family...but she never really gave the girl any reason to change; her friend loved her through thick and thin.

But the older she got, the more she realized that being so vocal and contrary was not the means to success, especially for a woman.  So early in her adulthood, she started the difficult task of reinventing herself and willing herself to let things slide or let things go that otherwise she would be all over.  She let people talk down to her without verbally bringing them to their knees simply to keep peace (or her job). She let misinformation go uncorrected so as not to appear contrary or "better than" the informer.  She treated people with kindness, patience, and generosity in the hopes that she would be treated the same; and often she was.  However, too often she wasn't; and that caused her pain.  But she pushed on!  She made a great friend who would wind up being her life-long BAE (before anyone else) and a wonderful guy who would wind up with the life sentence of her husband.  These two loving people put up with her slip-ups and backslides; always there not to shake a finger at her, but to offer a hand to pick her up.  With their help, she continued with her metamorphosis.  In peeling away layers and exposing more delicate tissue beneath, a surgeon needs a strong surgical team there with him in case the scalpel should accidentally penetrate too deeply too quickly and cause too much bleeding. These two were her team.

So after time, she did change.  She became more docile and more forgiving and more patient.  She became more vulnerable too.  She became much more sensitive toward others' feelings as well as toward her own.  For the first time in her life, she became a "cryer".  That was one she wouldn't mind removing!  But be that as it may, one must take the good with the bad!  She was really comfortable in this skin.  She had good friends and liked being the one many turned to for advice or comfort or simply as a sounding board.  Backslides did occur, but she would try to rely more on her intellect and reason and less on simply proving she was right and needing to win.  So she's come quite a long way.

But here's the kicker; people from her early years, family mostly, still see her in her original state and remind her often of past indiscretions or misconduct.  Often it is disguised as humor and just some friendly razzing, but done nonetheless.  For those, the damage may be done.  They may not be willing to erase the past and let the new girl in, but that's not her problem...it's theirs.  When an addict enters recovery and comes out the other side better and stronger than before, will he surround himself with people who will remind him of misdeeds that happened while under the influence or with people who try to put themselves in supporting roles, helping him to continue to fight the good fight?  Do you think that perhaps, if that addict was constantly reminded of the past, said addict might not pull away to save his own skin and to stay focused on his constant battle?  Or worse yet, slip up since he's made to feel it's what's expected?

But she's not an addict.  She'll not slip back into that early role if she occasionally stands up for herself and speaks her mind.  But she thinks she might.  And if she does, she might lose everything she's worked so hard for.  Or if she tells people how they really make her feel, she'll be viewed as pitiful and in need of comfort.  Yuck!  But she's caused herself anguish in losing her voice so although she's worried about how she'll be viewed, she realizes that she has to let a little of that old girl back in.  But in a good way.  She needs to speak up if she sees something wrong in behavior or circumstance but do it before her anguish builds too high.  She needs to maintain the calm she's taught herself.  So much of her pain is self-inflicted because in trying to tame the beast, she's tried to kill the beast.  So like any good animal trainer, she must go back in and face the beast.  Let the beast roar or hiss; they need to do that on occasion, and let its voice be heard in a less off-putting manner.  I've been to circus shows, the tigers bat at the trainer...but gently!  As if to say, "I love you but watch it! I can and may still attack you if you push me too far."

So perhaps she needs to keep some of that soft tissue protected by at least a layer or two; like one's veins are protected by skin.  But look at your hand.  You can still see the veins, right?  Like everyone else at any age, she'll learn from her mistakes for the rest of her life and be constantly tweaking.  She will pass on to the young advice that may prevent those who listen from making the same mistakes she made.  But the young don't listen so she'll look on and offer her hand, not her wagging finger, to help pull them up when they've fallen...'cause she knows just how they feel.

~Eileen Cassidy Bishop