Sometimes I'm envious of how kids can say pretty much anything they want to say; anything that pops into their developing little brains can come out their mouths with no filter whatsoever and they get away with it, more often that not, completely unscathed! Or if they don't want to say anything at all or if you're just annoying them with stupid questions, they simply don't acknowledge your presence. Simple: POOF! "I can't seeee you! Can't hear you either! And if I can't see or hear you, I don't have to answer you and can be as rude as I like and Mom will just apologize for me." It's just another benefit to being tiny! My kids never pulled the disappearing act but their lack of filters has often left me wishing they did! I guess it's the lesser of two evils when you think about it..."I can't say anything nice to this pinhead grown-up so I'll just keep it zipped!"
I wish I could do that sometimes; have no fear of stepping on someone's toes, tarnishing a relationship, or insulting a friend or coworker with angry, hurtful words or offer necessary but unasked for advice and just let them have both barrels. I could drop a bomb and walk away feeling no remorse, no embarrassment, no fear of outcome; just blurt it out and let someone else clean up the mess. Or just stare at whoever's annoying me and not say a word until they smile and give up trying to talk to me.
But we shouldn't do that in this civilized society, should we? Oh sure, people do. There are people out there who leave a wake of battered or broken relationships and hurt, angry feelings. They are the people who secretly or not-so secretly live empty lives and come home to an empty and cold house because they've no one, no parent-like person willing to clean up their messes like they had when they were small children. All they have to do to avoid this is to just SHUT UP! If you can't say something nice....then just SHUT UP! Isn't a life filled with stifling your discontent toward a few annoying or clueless people to whom you pretend to tolerate, if not like, better than a life empty of anyone of significance?
I really think it is that cut and dry...say or do something hurtful and you'll be alone...eventually. I often tell my kids that their words canNOT be taken back. That words CAN hurt like sticks and stones, if not worse. Yes, it's frustrating not to let someone know something you think imperative to the world functioning correctly and that you want to scream and tell it like it is, but I tell them that that's what a pillow is for, or the bathroom mirror. I can't count how many times I've berated a mirror! Looked the reflection straight in the eye, saw the person who needed thrashing or unbeknownst to them needed my sage advice, and let it rip! Not yelling and screaming or crying; I'm a grown-up. I'm civilized. No, I just calmly rip them a new one in either one of those mean whisper-y voices or maybe slightly above normal speaking level, depending on the situation, drop a couple of verbal bombs here and there for emphasis, take a couple of deep breaths, maybe even flip the bird to the chump, and go back to life almost satisfied and much calmer.
Fortunately in my current life and relationships, I don't have many, or any, filter-less, insensitive people around me; at least not that I'm aware. I know simply by knowing me, someone could easily cut me, anger me, or embarrass me somehow. But they don't. At least not knowingly or for self-satisfaction. They, like I, have listened to and try to take their mothers' advice to JUST SHUT UP if you can't say something nice, and have seen their own mistakes or the mistake of others and learned from them.
Look, we all want to be that uncivilized Neanderthal at times. I know I can come close when I unleash my sarcasm or make a "subtle" insinuation. So keep your pillows and mirrors handy for just such emergencies. If you don't have either, sit in your car with the doors and windows closed and let it go! Try not to lash out angrily to another (either to their face or to their email) or on Facebook or Twitter (I don't think media should EVER be used for bashing not even in politics...really), and remember that in most cases, no one will be cleaning up for you. You're a grown-up, now act like one. Do your best to use your inside voice and follow the Golden Rule...even when you're dealing with someone who has no idea what the Golden Rule is!
And if that doesn't work, stare 'em down 'til they walk away. POOF! It works for four-year-olds, right?!
~Eileen Cassidy Bishop
